11/12/2008
I have a lot to be proud of in my life.. My devotion to honesty. My inability to pass anyone in distress regardless of age, sex, color, or looks. My ability to say “I am in love with you” only to two women. And love them today as much as I loved them then.
But without the first love, the one who refused to be turned away.. The one who passed every test even though she knew I was testing her. The one who really taught me that I was good enough, well I owe her so much.. I tried to pay her by allowing her to win at Spite a Malice a card game.. And I often hope I see an email wanting to play spite and malice on line…. Just to let her win again..
And on this day, her birthday, the inability to even be her friend really hurts. This time the hurt is awash in fear. With the kidney problems recently arising, I do not know I will be around to wish her greetings in another birthday. Her memory, is her legacy. Truly what we leave in the hearts of others is the legacy we should all yearn for. I am in many people’s legacy as a stranger that helped and walked away. I liked that role.
I am saddened by the change of so many of my peers. For I am at heart and soul, what I was then.
Now she is too good to even be my friend. That is not the heart that I loved.. Then was a time where there was no arrogance in her. A time when she believed in more than the everyday rut. It was a time of adventure and of sitting on a bench on a snow covered beach just because — Living to live.. Not living to get through another day. When that beseeches me – I will quit wasting air.
One day – one night in New Orleans, I have a lot to regret in my treatment of her. Another attempt to prove to her I was not love worthy. But the next day she was still there. I pray that she does not remember that day. I have every day of my life and regretted it. But I learned from it..
I miss her as I do the second. I dream of them both often.
I am their legacy.
Happy Birthday… Happy Birthday…
I am so glad, and grateful that you are on this earth… I am even more so that you were in my life. No matter how short the period, it was the greatest time of me..
Cathey Kennedy, Happy Birthday, Sand Lake, New York, Sand Lake New York, Cathey Mayer, Cathey Mayer Kennedy
A tree with a lion under its branches.. A small handmade wooden box.. Lost but never forgotten..
Some of us just leave the past as if it were dead.. But the past is the molecules of our character today.
How is your character?
Cathey Kennedy, Happy Birthday, Sand Lake, New York, Sand Lake New York, Cathey Mayer, Cathey Mayer Kennedy
Saturday, August 02, 2008
To everyone…
Jezebel has been on a roller coaster for a month now.. And I have to face that ugly ugly time again. But do I do it for her best interest? Or do I do it because I just cannot deal with it any more? If it is the latter then I should have no more pets..
A month ago I noticed her ear was huge. Filled with blood I knew exactly what it was. I had been through this with Max. The veins in her ear were filling her ear up with blood.
So with no transportation, a ton of guilt, I got her into the vets. I had to force her into the back of a small pickup truck. And I had to drag her over concrete by her leash. In the end I injured my neck more, and I am sure terrified her.
The vet was reluctant to do the surgery needed to mend the ear, but when all of her other vitals seemed fine he said he would do it on Monday. I brought her in on a Friday.
Monday afternoon I called and he told me there was no surgery. Something in her blood work came back and suggested Cushing’s Disease. The treatment for this was chemotherapy to destroy the pituary gland. But he wanted to run one more test.
At that time he also warned me that the treatment for Cushing’s was going to require many visits to the vet to get her at a certain level of medication.
Tuesday I spoke to his wife, also a vet. She did more of the endo type work and he more of the surgical. They did not do the test he mentioned but another. Jezebel she said was in the “gray area”. Less than 1500 was normal. Above 2000 was probably Cushing’s since there is no sure test for it. Jezebel’s results were 1600.
It was decided to bring her home and keep an eye on her.
Wednesday when we picked her up in the same vehicle and crammed her in there they mentioned the whole time she was there she had been vomiting up clear liquid. TO watch that because they thought it might be nerves, and to just watch her health in general. Nothing else. No real meds.
Since being home the clear vomiting sometimes seems like her clearing her throat of flem. At others it contained bits of food eaten 8 hours earlier. And at other times like today it seems like all of her food a short time later.
Tuesday and Wednesday there was no sleep. She hacked and threw up all night long. After many phone calls the vets suggested it might be upper respitoray. Funny thing though, if she lays on a sofa with her head up – she is fine. If she lays on the floor stretched out in an upright manner she is fine. BUT if she lays on her side she will either vomit in time, or she will vomit upon rising.
Now this is not the vomit of an upset stomach where a dog eats and then heaves this huge pile. It is more flem, and occasionally a lot of food.
In the process of getting her to the vet I have hurt my neck – more than it was. And I went through a couple of weeks of is it right for me to own a dog, that I cannot get to the vet myself? Is it fair to not have decent transportation for a large dog?
For many years I had a depreciating truck sitting in my house for animal emergencies. I got tired of paying more for it in insurance than it was worth. I had a neighbor with a van, I had no need for transportation. But that all changed and I was lax.
What do I do? Get rid of the animals and live in this empty tomb?
So I bought another vehicle. And have driven around the neighborhood. But I confess I am scared to death driving it. Maybe in time I will regain my confidence.
Back to today. With the exception of the vomiting Jezebel is Jezebel. Urination, bowels, and her usually habits are all the same. She does not seem to be suffering. But something is wrong. I tried rice and chicken canned food as suggested by the vet but came to find out that the canned rice and chicken is too rich. So I have some chicken defrosting. I gave Jez some valium so for now she is resting.
I will get her into the vets on Monday. I know anything that she has will be major. And losing her is so much harder than Destiny. Destiny was sick and arthritic. I watched her go down. I do not know when Jez’s time is, but with no real emergency service here, I have to make a decision before she suffers. Not after she is suffering and it is after office hours.
Now I am going out to start digging a grave in this red clay. My graveyard is about full and unlike a few years ago, I cannot do this anymore at one attempt. Figures that it is 103 outside.
Forgive my lack of communication. I have always just regressed into myself during my times of testing.
I still have something wrong with my Kidneys. Hope to know more after the 11th.
I love you all….
Me…
PS Sorry for the form letter… Just not much in the frame of mind to write now..
