How Is It That?-?-?

I am not afraid….

I love you…..

I have but one dog left that is old enough to remember the days when I could play with my dogs. Those days I could throw tennis balls, or play tug of war, and all of our favorites – rough house.

My breed of choice has been the Great Dane. Those that have had a gentle giant who weighs 180 sit on their sofa as a human sits, or sit on their lap as a girlfriend would  - understands. Their size and demeanor makes such a difference.  All dogs are good and loving creatures, but Danes are more like having a human friend.

Every  night I look at old Jezebel, who was around when I was who I was, and I tell her I love her as I do all of my dogs.  In case she died in her sleep it was the last thing I wanted her to hear.  But now I have added another statement, the last thing she hears is “I am not afraid”.

I fear a long drawn out suffering death for her, but now I also realize I fear it for myself. At my age, and health I could not be the one wakening tomorrow.  I always assume she would go first.

I realized how lucky I am in many ways.  For I have felt true peace and calm within my whole being. It was the period of my suicide. During the times I died three times, and was resuscitated I have memories of what incurred in the seconds and minutes when the body gave up. But that was just a continuation of the  calm and peaceful time that began when the actual decision was made that the time was right. From the second I began to prepare my lethal mixture I had no more worries, no more responsibilities, and no more fear or devastation. I had a clear and straight road ahead. That in itself was the beginning of the calm.

I had three hundred Phenobarbital and a bottle of gin. I took five pills at a time and a shot of gin with every few handfuls.  It took time to ingest the amount of pills and gin that I did. And during that time I was not crying, I was not in despair, I was not overwrought. Nor was it a cry for help as I was found two days later. Barely alive and surrounded by love.

I was told the dogs were all on the bed with me or in the room on the floor.

Recently as I saw Destiny’s life fade away and Max’s , I am sure they were aware of the fact the force within me was leaving. And as the Cape Buffalo will leave a wounded herd mate when they no longer can rise or protect themselves, animals are smart enough to sense the end of the light of life. In so many ways I feel huge guilt in what I put them through.

My only real regret in not dying that day is that I have more time with those that have been the truly loyal friends that I have ever had. Friends that forgive my stupidity and clumsiness. Friends that do not expect perfection from me. Dogs are friends that love like a parent loves a child. I have learned I cannot live up to others expectations and it is those expectations that they harbor that in the long run hurt only them. Dogs have none. People should have none and enjoy the good times had with each other as gifts. Then endure the bad times for the future gifts to come. (And by bad times I mean nothing like rape, violence, control or intimidation. )

I awoke this morning.  Jezebel awoke this morning.

We were granted another day.

It is not her dying I fear, it is the chasm of loss that I feel with the death of each dog or the inability to end their suffering quickly because I cannot drive and inevitably the end always comes after hours and on weekends.  

And for a breed that lives an average of seven years, Jezebel  is as Destiny was when she died, is five years past that.  So I have been blessed with more time than I could have ever expected.

I realized that saying “I love you” as the last words to all my dogs at night was not enough. I always fear that  I might die first and it could be weeks before I am found. Who cares what the body does after death, it is what the dogs might have to endure – hunger, thirst, grieving, and then the ultimate horror – some stranger hauling them off to be destroyed.

That I am afraid of. Their suffering because my time as come.

I have to put trust back into death.  For it was the calm and peace I found in those three experiences 9 years ago, that really instilled in me how much more there is than all of this mixed with the falsehoods of the books that claim to know. There are better days ahead when time as we know it ceases to exist.  I yearn for the calm and the peace again.  I keep giving myself excuses and reasons to not go yet by taking in new dogs.  All the while hoping that I may yet find some woman that can love with her heart, not her need for status through power or having a hot dude or trying to live up to other peoples expectations that she calls friends. A woman that can love like a dog. One that forgives my clumsiness of living.

Anyone that expects anything of you is not a friend.  They set conditions. Many unspoken and then you are cast aside as I have been.  I still have no clue why the last person that claimed to love me was ashamed of me. Was it the disability I did not ask for or the person that stands up for right and fair that I am extremely proud of? Truth is her character is one I would never have loved, and have passed up many times over in my life. But there is also the truth that sometimes love is something that is instilled in you by a power outside of our control. Then there is great purpose. Lessons to be learned from a fully passionate life lived. One can never understand it without experiencing it.  Really one does have to be there.  

I am not afraid of death. I am afraid of pain that might preface it.  And Jezebel has gotten over grown with fatty growths. None of them are more harmful than to be a little bit disfiguring and bumps and lumps met by a caressing hand. And as I look at her and I caress her… I love her dearly. She is beautiful to me. Even though her physical decline has been as devious and devastating as my own has over the years. She loves with her heart. As I aspire to. And usually achieve.

I am not afraid. I will make it through the grief of loss if I outlive her. I will in time learn to celebrate her life as I have Destiny’s – Max’s – Jolie’s – Delilah’s and Samson’s, as well as the countless rescues that I had the pleasure of helping in the years I could.  And as each day passes when I pass her grave as I do all others, I will speak to her and tell her I love her.

Even dogs from my past, my very first – Linda – who suffered much cruelty for loving me when no one else was allowed, is missed, spoken to and cherished.  And all of those between then and now, are still so dearly clear in my mind. For they almost saved me, and certainly drove off the insanity that came for me at times.

It is with mixed blessing that I see the day when I will never have to tell Jezebel  again that I am not afraid as I do now.  And when that time comes,  she will be in the peace and the calm that death awards us.

And in that quiet time of healing there is more life than one can ever imagine. All of it based on how well we lived our life and learned our lessons now. This is only a school of eternity.  Your soul and spirit does not die.  Nor is it throw away. This thing is an endless cycle, and there is no outs.  We live to love, and learn of love. Not all of our marvelous inventions, or money or power  will mean a thing where we are only allowed to be surrounded by those true spirits that loved us like no other did.

Maybe we should learn the importance of loving like a dog in this life… It is what we are sent here to try to attain and when the physical sac is all decayed and rotten away — it is all we will have to surround ourselves with. The love given, but most, the love earned by those that give it without expectations or want.