How Is It That?-?-?

Health issues seem to be settling down… So now I can go back to what I do…

What is it that I do? I spent the last few months firing huge pieces of stone from my penis and watching TV. Not much else.

Now I have a huge pile of trash infront of my house. I am disintegrating all of the varied material goods that I have. No need to have someone else clean up my junk…. I can actually again park a car in my garage if I had one.

But the few hours a day I spend organizing and cleaning, and the one or two hours sweating while watching the hawks mature from cute to deadly still leaves a lot of time. In the past I filled that time by writing.

This is the fourth blog I have ever had. Each one I abandoned when I found myself censoring my writing so that people that had gotten to know me would not be worried or inundate me with emails every time the darkness within seemed to overtake the moment. I write in the moment usually. I express what I am feeling at that second. BY the time the concerned emails arrived, time had passed and so had the feelings and the mood.

But writing has not been something I have been doing much of lately. I should. I made a promise years ago that I need to keep. Already my poetic abilities are gone. I need to practice again.

So again I start. But this time I want to do it with organization and discipline.. Not for this site. This is my momentary release. This is where I say what I feel at the moment. This is where my insanity peeks out occasionally.

I confess that I have another site that I have kept totally anonymous. And that is the place where I totally feel I can discuss the despair and loneliness I more than often feel. It will be a surprise if my executor finds those writings. For there the hidden me is exposed.

I have been trying to figure out why I have gotten to dislike people so. I am not arrogant.. Well I do not think I am, but who if arrogant would admit it or think it. I still help everyone I can. Again regardless of whether they are a stranger or a friend.. Regardless of color, age, sex.. And I do it without expectation. The gratification is a huge reward for someone such as I who has a terrible self esteem problem.

I think I have touched upon the reason for the disdain. The greed and laziness of the average American is really disheartening to me. Everything revolves around the self. That is why divorces are so high, families almost totally non existent, and the morality of our society all but vanquished. I do not expect there to be a united states in 50 years. Not if we all do not do some real thinking and real changing. I have been looking over the constitution and really trying to put myself in the place of the founding fathers. I want to see what they envisioned and am sure that what is - is far from what they wanted.

So I am going to slowly start another site.. One that I hope insults and pisses off the people that read it. Like most I will bitch.. but unlike most I will provide realistic solutions. And hopefully people will read those solutions, challenge them and quit the only movement towards a better America being the one from their lips.

Sadly I have a great motivator. Money…. If these ideas are put into action taxes can and should be lowered — DRAMATICALLY.. What it means is changing a government that like most religions has not changed while the times and technology has.

Usually the most time I spend writing on anything is a day. It shows. Some things I do not even proofread. But this new site will be planned out, organized and thought out. I need to overcome some of my focusing issues. I have tried to write a decent home page twice now and find myself in the throws of anger and a rambling rant. Not sticking to the opening line.. TO persuade anyone.. I need to be able to write clearly, concisely and with passion. And I need to be able to provide a good argument for the changes I propose.

Back to the gist of me.. I am sure I am not the only person that sees what I will be proposing. Maybe it is just that I do think too much. But I have always felt different. Someone who sees things others do not. Someone who can see the passion and yet also the logic of an issue. I am no better than anyone else. In fact I feel inferior to many. I wish I were stronger, healthier, and even smarter. Maybe it is I still ask a lot of questions..

Or just that I do not accept the run of the mill answers always given…

When the site becomes presentable.. I will provide a link.. But for now I have not even got a name I like. The first choice was “the fool on the hill”. It is perfect. Some garbage site already has that one. I have registered seven names, yet none of them are perfect.

I do not want to settle.. This time I want it right… This time I have been driven and thinking about this for weeks. I did throw up one rant, but took it down the next day. This time the site may be a work in progress, but this time I am going to write as best I can…

Not as fast as I can….

Hopefully many will agree with my tenets and want the money that can be gained… And I guarantee that this site is like no other that I have ever worked on.. But it will be the best…

Other news…

I am cleaning house.. Tossing out garbage.. A lot of it saleable if I were to list it on ebay. The ocean calls me and by the end of 09 I will be on or very very near the coast. I can sit and wait for the dogs to pass away. Or I can find them homes..

I think they are ready for a change… The salt air will do us all good. I am ready to start living again. I just need a good pain management facility near, and not a huge city with a million mindless tourists..

Almost 10 years I have stagnated.. I am ready to refresh.. I am ready to be all that I can.. and if it means others lives will have to change to make way for mine.. so be it…

Prison is not a bad alternative to my life now.. At least there I have guards to talk to… And this house has been a prison for far to long.. I will move.. and I will collect some debts in the process.. Mostly I will even out some of that which I see as uneven… Those that took, beware… You may have used me, but for sure you have not gotten away with it…