How Is It That?-?-?

From Can Do to — Can Do Not….

Before HER and after the disability I still never doubted that I can do anything I set my mind to. Case in point is the fact that I was told by several doctors in 1998 that I would never walk unassisted again.  What brought me to that prognosis was the two failed back surgeries.

I have always been good about proving people wrong.  Tell me I cannot do something and I will just to spite you. Sometimes this has been even to my detriment, the ultimate rebellion I guess you might call it.

But after her came two years of depression. Now I was not only disabled physically but mentally I just did not see the reason to bother. I write so much less these days. In fact I find myself hating to even turn the computer on. I would not be here today if it were not that my watch decided to die.  With that taken care of I may find some redemption in writing.

After the depression came 2008. I accept that I will always love her. I question why I should even ever think I would take her back without any question. But I would. That is the way love should be should it not? Why would one love their spouse any differently than they would love their child. Love for a child never wanes – no matter what. If you say you are in love with someone and it wanes, then you do not know what being in love is. That is a malady of most of this country.  The two women I have been in love with I would take back.  My love has not fallen away. Circumstances changed and in both they chose to fall to pressures beyond my control. Funny that both were thousands of miles away. Neither of the two were people I lived with on a constant basis. 

But forget about that loss. I will not love again. I accept that. I will not allow myself that joy even should it arise. The pain of ending is too great. And now I do not see myself as much of a gift to anyone. 

Where did the “I’ll show you attitude go?”  Why have I given up on people? Why cannot I see hope for this country, the people in it, or myself?

This year is the year of the kidney stone. Multiple procedures and many doctors visits. My last procedure this past Monday was a failure.  Nothing has passed. I had so prayed that I could get past this. If you have ever had a kidney stone you will understand. But mine was a kidney bolder and it is still this same stone that they have worked on since Janyary that now seems like it will end this year with me. And with the constant defeats medically, my ability to stand, walk, balance, is all weakening and falling away.

I no longer pray. I now beg. I want this over. With a different procedure on the 19^th I go back in on Monday the 17^th to see if they can finally get something resolved with this stone. Maybe kidney removal is the way to go. That would definitely solve the problem.

I have learned that nothing is ever simple or ordinary in my life. Most people get a stone, they shatter it and it is over.  Most people get people that love them that want to be in their lives forever.  Most people never have to worry or write about giving up hope.

I am not most people. And I am so thankful for the gifts I have at times. But at other times, I wished I had been Ozzie Nelson.  But that would have been granting a perfect life to an imperfect person.

Still I feel I deserve so much more.. So much…

Gone is the fearless liver. Here is the fearful waiter.

Stopped for a year, a precious year of additional physical pain.  Maybe I should up the pain medicine and loss the fight to regain quality of life. All else seems to have gone already.

Can I rebound again?

Do I want to?