How Is It That?-?-?

Ten year anniversaries are supposed to be those of great celebration.

I just celebrated mine of being disabled.

I miss my job desperately and dream about it at night.  The other thing I dream about is being held. Neither will ever happen again.  Sure I could hire a whore to hold me but that is not what I seek. It is the intimacy of closeness that I will not experience again.

I like a lot of who and what I am.. And I always strive to learn about me, you, the world, and the questions never answered. I hate my body’s betrayal.  I enjoyed being the big strong man that people called to do manual things on the weekends with. Even though I was a white collared executive I knew how to build things, pour concrete, remove splinters from my hands, and the fact that my hands were rough – I felt a badge of honor.

In the beginning it was pure anger.  For two years all I did was fume of the unfairness of it all.

Then I began a crusade to become the best I could physically, and did finally get off of a walker which they said I would never do. 

Right about that time an old high school friend entered the picture and I fell in love, as she claimed she did.

That destroyed me.

And since that time, I have grown weaker, less caring about people, less thankful, —  I confess I have given up.  I have lost hope.

So many times on here I guess I sound either bitter, or like a victim, and that is not my intent.  I do not want your sympathy.  The few that attempted relationships with me of more than a friend are those that  are either totally messed up or liars. Neither of which I wanted or need in my life.

I write here what I feel at the second.  These words are microcosms of me.  Never feel sad for me or pity. Never feel that I feel myself a victim. And I certainly do not need anyone’s sympathy.

I would hope my worst writings, the ones that seem the most desperate leave you feeling two things.

First be grateful for what you have because it can be gone in a second.

Second,  do not put off your dreams. Many things I wanted to do after I retired I no longer can. Do your dreams now.  Make them happen.

Life is not about work being the most important thing.  Life is about growth, love, and being cognizant that what you have today may be gone tomorrow.

Thank your god for everything… Hate nothing for it is only you that it destroys and do everything you want to – now.