How Is It That?-?-?

As much as I have grown up and overcome so many of the problems of my earliest years and teen years there are two that I seem to be stuck with. I guess I am lucky in that I can see where the causes of these psychological issues stem from.  And lord knows they could be worse.  There are other roads my life would or could have lead down and  I would be in prison now with no hope of liberty.

I have always been afraid of accepting love.  I want to feel close to a person. I want the intimacy, but it is always at the others expense. I want to know their secrets, their lives, their deepest thoughts but am scared to death to share mine.  And secretly I have always wanted someone to come and kick the doors in, and take me to the mat to force the same intimacy from me that I expected of them.

I have always been scared. This intimacy and the ability to truly give all and take every ounce of a partners psyche while giving every dust ball of one’s own starts in the earliest days of life.  Suckling at the breast the baby begins to feel secure. Trust is established. In those earliest months of nurturing, a bond develops that is the first taste of intimacy that one needs as a plant needs a seed. Without it one can never trust completely. If a baby never feels safe, they will never be able to trust an adult human being with the depths of their being.

I really loved Carolyn. I still do and although married, I would forgive that and take her in an instant back into my life.  She was so close.. But she was swamped with her own issues and caught up in a web of friends that she felt safe with.  They wanted nothing to change. If one of them became happier, deeper in love it proved to them how little their lives and relationships really were in  the true measure of human relationships.  She like I had troubles with the deepest intimacies.  I wanted to save her. And I wanted her to save me.

I suffered so much with her. Her lies about nothing. Her shame of my honesty or disability cut me to the quick. And after many many months what was left but my frustration.  Then to find pictures of her wedding in less than a year after her leaving me, it was obvious her friends won out.  I just hope she has learned that she is better than a six pack of corona and xanax.

And that is my second biggest flaw.  I have a martyr complex.  This just came to me recently. When I meet someone I automatically seek out what I can fix in them. Few are the ones that I take at face value.

So then I go to work. Here let me save you. Why do you not live up to your human potential? You are so much more than what you are? Is it just laziness?  I expect all people to live up to their full potential. That is why I walked an hour today when the pain drove me to tears. Because I believe I too can be better. And that is why I realized finally that I martyr myself. I would rather fix someone than maybe have a true interpersonal relationship with them. 

But is it what it appears to be? Or is it simply another defense to my fear of true intimacy?

Carolyn was my last chance to have the door kicked in. She had the intellect, the strength, the brains, and the magic attraction.  Love… I would do anything and allow anything for love.. I would go anywhere and have moved across the country for love.

It is what the baby has so desperately wanted for 55 years now.

It is the pathos of this man.

And there is no real cure. I cannot go back and recreate the first 18 months of my life when my mother desperately wanted to be a mother. But could not. For she and my sister were also under the control of the monster. I cannot blame her nor can I recreate what I should have experienced then.

I try to accept the lot in life I have. But I do get angry and frustrated at times. And say mean spirited and threatening things.  This too is all part of the plan.  See you hurt me – now I want to hurt you back.. The child again within.

I was married to a woman I was not in love with and funny thing is that she is the only one that got my anger.  She would just laugh and say “Oh ignore him – he’s just blowing off steam.” 

And she was right.. When the hurt subsided, the anger vanished and all I ever have left is the echoing words I never meant, but did burn the bridges behind me.

I miss the late night calls.  I miss her laugh.. I miss the feeling/thought/belief/hope that she was really true about loving me.

It is better than having nothing.