How Is It That?-?-?

What if you were placed in an opposite environment? What if you placed yourself there? Often we who are self destructive do the most destructive things to ourselves without any forethought or recognition of the danger we place ourselves in.

What if you were depressed, maybe manic, maybe bi-polar. There is a certain loneliness that comes with any mental illness. One feels that there is no one else in the world that can understand. The loneliness is a part of the illness, the being different.

And when people are lonely they too often feel that other people are the cure. But sometimes being around others magnifies the loneliness and the problems. I have been in both situations. The problems get magnified because it becomes more than obvious that you are not one of the pack. Not cool, or part of the people that seem to be always smiling.
And I have been lonelier surrounded by friends and those people that I know love me than I ever have been alone.

I cannot help but think that Nathan Clutter was a victim of his illness. He wanted recognition, to be cool, liked.. So he got on a TV show that is all about deceit. It is about having a roommate of the opposite sex, and when one does not have a roommate they are removed from Paradise Hotel. Nate/Nathan was the first male removed. They stated he was more apt to go off and be by himself than drink and party with the rest of shows contestants. They let him. Who wants to be around someone that is spoiling the fun of being foolish and drunk?

He went off probably because he was lonelier surrounded by those that he wanted to be like. He wanted normalcy. But he, as I  - cannot define that term.  How does one become what we cannot define? What is normal for you? Me? Nathan? Nate?

I remember many days spent alone while at West Nottingham Academy. Sometimes I stayed up all night just to have that time. To try and search within for the piece that is out of sync.

There are a couple of times in the show where the male members get a little too out of line. Too crude or rude for even their other intoxicated compadres. The next morning at breakfast it is Nate that calls the men down about their behavior. It is Nathan that tells them they were out of line and hurt others feelings or made others feel threatened by the perceived threat of violence. He was not buffed, nor big, nor tough, he was just honest and fearless about enforcing fairness.

The first time he called someone down about their behavior I chuckled because that is me. I do not allow anyone to jeopardize or threaten another’s space. And over the years of my life I have had to back my words up with violence. Most of the time I won.

I am sure many say Nathan as odd. As strange… Was he? Or was he the only real person in that reality show?

The show was finished shooting in September. It started airing a couple of weeks back on Fox.  And at the end it simply says the show is dedicated to Nathan Clutter.

At first it was reported that he was killed in a climbing accident. Then the truth came out.

He parked near a cell phone tower. Put food and water out for his dog who was living in the car with him. He climbed the tower and before dawn rose - he jumped. His impact left a six inch deep indentation in the ground. It was over twelve hours later before he was found.

I am saddened. He was young. But I think in many ways he was real. Not like the rest of the cast that is all about partying, sex, drunkenness and subterfuge. He was who you saw. A quiet, different sort of person. Maybe not the best fun to be around, but as one player said a stabilizing effect. Someone who called things as they were.

I could wish to be remembered in no better light.

But he is not the first reality show competitor to die after being ejected. There is another story to tell.

This one about a 35 year old district attorney. She took her life after being on a reality show.

And another.

I cannot believe that the shows did not play a part in these three suicides. I cannot though blame the shows.

I spent years surrounding myself with violence. I put myself in a situation that I was reared in. Maybe because it felt normal to be threatened. Maybe to prove to myself I could face any threat and survive. For whatever reason I lost seven years of my life to that decision. And I have nothing to show for those years that I am proud of. I might as well have not existed.

These people had deeper visions than most. These people knew about the dark side within them. They sought out the cure, in the lights of Hollywood and infamy. But in the end they got burned. For the lights shut off and they were returned to what they were before the shows.

Their expectations and hope of a difference being made, they found themselves even more lost than before. I have swam in that eddy most of my life. I am different. I do think differently. I do enforce fairness and honesty.

And even though the loneliness is a curse. I see the gift of being who I am.

At least most of the time I do.  Suicide is no stranger. But I would never leave those that loved me unconditionally without proper care and a guaranteed future. My dogs would and have sustained me for many years. They deserve more than a full bowl of food and water.

Maybe they deserve more than life with me…

I just know that before I jump, they will have a good home.

And I know that reality shows can be deadly for those that live in reality all of the time. Nate, Cheryl, Najai, and I all live in a reality that few imagine and only those that live it can attest to.

Today I am here. I wish the others were as well…

I am reminded of a man that I went to high school with. He was a quiet odd sort. He always wore a black beret and a cream colored mohair coat. Dewey did not bathe often. And one could always tell when he was near by the scent. He was different. And of course I was drawn to him. As I was  drawn to Ronald in the fifth grade. They were the outcasts, the lepers, and I was the one friend who would take the time to listen - to try and make their lives a little better. I wonder if Dewey and Ronald are still alive. I hope so. We were all different. We were all victims of another type of reality.

Reality can often be fatal.

Especially when it is not the reality we hope for.